Witticisms #4

Sullied Soapbox: I preface this by stating that the type of language used is indicative of those benefiting from being in positions of favor regarding power dynamics. Exposing bullshit involves knowing the types of bullshit in use. This involves satire.

My counselor has been working with me so that I can be more productive even when frustration mounts like Death onto his pale horse. As such, I have taken to sending my enemies postcards. Each one reads, "Wish you were here!" and features a photo I took at one of the local cemeteries. For that extra personal touch, I include eldritch incantations related to my exact grievances.

The valedictorian at my high school graduation presciently stated that none of us will get out of this alive. One attendee took this to heart and stabbed someone with a pen during the recessional. An incoming medivac helicopter scored the walk to my '87 Honda Accord. And people claim that God doesn't listen and has no agents on this planet!

If you are disgusted when you wake up and look at yourself above the bathroom sink, do something about it. Funhouse mirrors can be a bit pricey, but if that's what it takes...

People think it’s cute when you say something is made with love, but once you point out that semen is a manifestation of that love and included in the recipe, the situation grows violent quickly. I am no longer welcome at most Thanksgiving dinners.

In this horrible time, I have been watching my neighbor’s kids. They don’t know I’m watching them, but it's more exciting this way!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Turn a man into a fish and laugh at the fact that he swims in the largest toilet on earth.

One subtle benefit of depression is that hubris and claims of superiority are inherently sarcastic. YOU GOT PUNK’D!

Casual sex is frowned upon. Professional sex is frowned upon. You truly cannot win.

Audiophiles who love ASMR are some of the biggest perverts of the modern era, but they're secretive about it. This is why when women have their headphones on in public, you're doing the world a favor by striking up conversation and not relenting.

A quick way to freak someone out is to approach them; state, “I don’t mean to alarm you;” and blithely make your egress without further comment.

I think a lot of the civil unrest in this country (particularly among faith groups) would dissipate if folks stopped choosing to be faggots and dykes.

On a similar note, Jewish people sure get angry when you question their stance on that whole Holocaust hoax. Oy vey.

I’m glad to have lived in a country that cares for its people’s basic needs. Now I live in America.

Is it normal to cry when you masturbate? I can’t get through funerals any other way.

Some time ago, I dated a girl who wanted me to give her head. She was terribly nonplussed when I decapitated her neighbor and presented to her the skull. Folks have diverse ways to get in the mood.

Practitioners of the straight edge lifestyle have a hard go at telling jokes. Edgy humor does not describe their MO. Smokes if you got ‘em.

Being white in America is hard nowadays. So much of what has been taken for granted now faces accountability. Let one nigger into the presidency and everything gets turned upside down. People are questioning police! You can’t even shoot a black person without facing stern words from your fellow (white) Americans. I’m sure minorities have their opinions, but I don’t understand their accented jungle-speak. Patriots, rise up and stop this shit.

My humor is so dark that I fear the KKK when I make these posts. Good thing they’re not literate: functionally, culturally, historically, et cetera.

When I was a teenager and helping my mother shop at Giant, she once commented on my tan as I had been spending a lot of time skateboarding in the sun. She referred to me as her “little nigger boy.” There’s no punchline here. That’s just fucked up.

My father once used the term “wetback.” Again, no punchline. The context does not paint him in any more favorable light.

Parents are imperfect beings. Just ask turtles trying to secure paternity tests.

My body issues stem from astral projections.

I sprayed carpet cleaner on my pubes. I’m going to stick with soap and shampoo. Sorry. My feelings on the matter are unresolved.

Every American should own a gun. Most people simply deserve to be limited to cap guns.

On a related note, threatening to "bust a cap" in someone's ass is utterly untoward. Steve Rogers would never violate a person apropos of nothing.

Suggesting Lamaze class to pregnant women preparing for birth? Totally fine. Telling them to go to a labor camp? You are no longer invited to the baby shower.

“Popping pills” has a negative stigma, but when you use that as a euphemism, shit gets wild. “Shooting other people’s pets” makes you a monster. A man’s gotta eat. Sorry not sorry. #foreverpoppingpills

Given the predatory behavior of many men, I don’t blame women for casting a sidelong glance at the glass ceiling. When women go beyond it, you know dudebros shoot up-skirt photos and upload them online for satisfaction and profit.

Calling me a hateful person vastly over-sells that second word.

Women! Am I right?

I goofed words when I was a kid. Imagine the horror when I told a friend that my hippie sister’s incest was the best. >_< I clearly meant to say “sibling-fucking.” Embarrassing!

Language is weird. Being cool or hot are fine. Being cold, lukewarm, or flaming tend to be used pejoratively.

I was recently accused of being racist against whites (I am white). What a dumb cracker. She was angry, too, so I guess that makes her a saltine. Salty crackers and their fragility...

Alex Jones, kill yourself. Your work is a joke. Let your tombstone be the punchline.

A friend once pointed out that when white people get scared, they go pale; blacks, albino. That “friend” is now a ghost after going beyond the pale. Jokes on him! Also, I have a like-new machete that I’m giving away. Recently cleaned. No questions. Any takers?

What did the cannibal say after eating a clown?

“That doesn’t erase the abuse inflicted upon me at my 6th birthday party, but it doesn’t hurt.”

Women wouldn’t be assaulted so much if they would just stay at home, cook, and clean like they’re meant to. “I shouldn’t have to fear for my safety when I go out.” Nice blame shifting, bitch. Don’t want to get raped? Stay at home. God.

I tried disposing of my mortal enemy by dropping him in a vat of acid. He’s still alive, but his brain is so flooded with hallucinations that he will never be a threat again. Also, he whispers to me the secrets of the termites that live in his bloodstream. That’s pretty rad. You can’t buy that level of insight.

Where are all the frigerators?

To Australians, Sisqo is a sexual deviant famous for singing about his foot/footwear fetish.

Given the going rate for body parts on the black market, I am literally made of money.

Had Harry Potter originated in the US, the school of witchcraft and wizardry would preach that women having brains is wrong and racial purity is right.

In closing, may you never get a paper cut in your eye.