Presidential Phacts #1

Sullied Soapbox: Public figures need to be held to higher standards. Trump says what everyone wants to say. He's unfiltered, and I like that. Grab 'em by the pussy!

Even a broken clock is right twice a day; Trump is a digital display constantly blinking eights.

Trump is such a lecherous scumbag that he once dropped out of an animal husbandry course and sued the school for false advertising.

Trump and his appointees are so full of shit that White House cleaning crews refuse to flush any toilets for fear of accidentally committing treasonous murder.

Every time Trump wakes up as president, an angel comes back to Earth, reverts to human form, and commits suicide; in Hell, they await Trump's death so they can kick every shade of shit out of him (including colors that only bees can see). Oh, the angels? Unlike Kate Bush, they successfully made a deal with God.

One cannot serve both God and Mammon; Trump's god is Mammon.

People talk about Trump being a rapist, but you know what they fail to mention? He turns victims into early advocates against sex crimes. Silver linings, folks.

Trump masturbates to afterbirth. He also touched himself at Auschwitz. Looking for someone to shit in your wood chipper? Trump 2020: Because evangelists are otherwise bigots with a tenuous grasp of morality. There were jokes in 2016 about the early candidates: Clinton? First female president. Rubio? First Latino president.

Sanders? First Jewish president. Cruz? First Canadian and fundamentalist president.

Trump? Last president.

Damn. Those were some prescient times not too long ago.

North Korea killed Otto Warmbier, a college student. No major response. Saudi Arabia killed Jamal Khashoggi, an author, activist, and dissident. No major response.

Iran killed Nawres Waleed Hamid, a contractor. Assassinate a top general!

This means that Trump values contractors above others, which makes sense: He has fucked contractors more than his wives and other victims. He owes the profession a favor. Vengeance is something, right?

Trump claimed to be draining the swamp, but he has instead created a Teflon cesspool: Everything is mired in shit, but nothing sticks.

"Anyone can be president" probably wasn't meant as a threat, but here we are.

Ironic how making America great again means doing so for white people who hate change.

How many women do I have to sexually assault to garner support from Republicans? Brock Turner, Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump... Should I consult Democrats? They have Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, and Al Franken.

Trump has the best words, which is why he keeps them locked safely in the basement of an undisclosed Trump property. Words keep his unwilling/drugged sex cadre content and sedated. ASMR FTW!

How do you frustrate Trump?

Show a woman having a critical opinion without him being able to shut her down. Bonus points if she's beautiful, queer, and powerful. In this time of crisis, Trump has reminded us that we need to be a unified country. As such, kindly ignore his "Americans/Patriots vs. Democrats" rhetoric, insults levied at dissenters across party lines, outright mindless stances against "fake news," China, Mexico, and other divisive statements.

When he claimed that Mexico was allowing rapists into the country, Trump's comments were mostly out of insecure frustration that he faced competition. Like, know how people are afraid of immigrants taking up work that Americans should hold? Trump doesn't exaggerate his wealth as much as he believes in alternative accounting, Having not served in Vietnam, Trump has made it his mission to advocate the deaths of countless minorities. Look at his vitriol toward the Central Park Five compared to his embrace of Joe Arpaio and Clint Lorance. Nobody's perfect, but holy shit is this an example of the opposite. AND PEOPLE LOVE HIM.