Witticisms #2

Sullied Soapbox:

"I went to the Home Depot yesterday, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It's just a bunch of guys standing around going, 'Hey! We ain't gotta fix shit.'"

- Mitch Hedberg Given how harsh the world is lately with people not being able to work, get supplies, interact with each other, or engage in fight clubs, I thought I'd share some business innovations that intend on helping the world when the dust and lawyers settle.

Let's go! U-Haul is trying to increase its market value in the South, so it's offering a sub-brand called Y'All-Haul. Speaking of subs, Subway wants to corner a niche market with a sister entity named Domway. When you go in, the workers tell you what you're going to eat and force you to consume the sandwich from their leather boots while in a sketchy bathroom stall. I have always wanted to treat people with a restaurant that purposefully offers portion sizes that require folks to take food home and enjoy it for a little bit. It'd be called Dick's; it's slogan, "You'll be tasting Dick's for days!"

I had a great idea for folks wanting a pedicure but want to save money. Salons are expensive, and I understand that. Sure, the Ped Egg covers some of the same market territory, but my invention involved an entire experience. I invested money in R&D but ultimately had to bow out. Nobody wanted to be associated with The PedoFile. McDonald's, so long beholden to their Big Macs, is finally going to go back to their roots and start selling Big Micks. Each one features a split baked potato bun, corn beef, cabbage, communion wafers pickled in holy water, and a bottle of whiskey to dip it in. Children can enjoy this with the Be Happy To Have This Feast Ye Blithering Bastards Meal. Finally catching up to the times, Miller is finally releasing a counterpart to its High Life varietal and offering Low Life. Each case comes with a one-year subscription to the hate group of one's choice, a revenge porn account with no upload limits, a t-shirt reading "I like my beer like I like my violence: domestic," a phone app that blasts the most offensive music for the area every time one pulls into any crowded public place or stoplight, an everything bagel with cream cheese that is somehow bigoted, and the ability to forward graphic death scene shots of loved ones to anyone in the vicinity. Too bad this libtard snowcuck society will shut the operation down. I thought America valued FREEDOM and LIBERTY. Brawny lost out on cashing in on the cultural zeitgeist when they failed to offshoot a limited run of Brony paper towels that featured various little ponies. With COVID-19, airfare and cruise prices are so low that Spirit Airlines has had to incorporate such drastic practices as "valuing basic human dignity" and "not stuffing babies into the overhead compartment." Still under contention is the idea of serving fresh water instead of running the toilets through a few coffee filters. Preppers have amazingly put themselves into the stock market, supporting arms manufacturers, funeral homes, and whatever industry body bags come from. Gatorade has been contracted by the US government to change its name to Gatorcare as to shift responsibility to the Florida-originated company away from Medicare/Medicaid. Taking a break from the blame for the world's ills, Jews and Muslims have banded together to take over America from the inside with such revolutionary ideas as religious freedom that doesn't start and end with Christianity as well as grabbing the pork industry by the pig balls. Pray for our bacon. Finally, in these trying times, Yankee Candle has offered an olive branch to the American South by starting its Traitorous & Murderous Racist Candle Company. All candle lids feature the Confederate flag, and 11% (what's the 11th letter of the alphabet?) of all candle sales funds lawyers who battle the NAACP, ALCU, and (for some reason) Pep Boys. #comedy #witticisms #corporateentities #confederacy #hauling #sandwiches #bacon #ireland